Johnson-esque donkey born at local landfill

A donkey bearing a striking resemblance to Zach Johnson was recently born at an area landfill. 412 well-wisher Dick Donohuge notes that the event was "not exactly unexpected."

You wouldn't call them "snack fries"

Does the notion of a "snack wrap" enrage you? Apparently it enrages a certain L'Etoile pastry chef, who is a casual acquaintance/wife of blogger ZMurder. According to Mr. Murder, numerous holes in the walls of his palatial Gorham Street home bear evidence of her anger when she sees the McDonald's Snack Wrap advertised. And despite his claims of slipping on a banana peel and falling down the stairs, Z's own broken ribs and facial bruises testify to this, too.

Whence her outrage? Supposedly she insists that it is foolish to qualify the name of this product with the word "snack." A wrap is a wrap, her logic goes, and there is no need to label it as anything else.

I contend that Mrs. Murder's anger is misguided, and refute her with the following.

First, this is a matter of size. A wrap is not simply a wrap if it is a small portion. If this wrap does not measure up to standard wraps, we should deem it snack-sized, and to make this distinction perfectly clear to consumers, we should label it as such. This is a public courtesy to customers so that they do not receive something unexpected.

Critics, of course, will contend that "snack" is in the mouth of the beholder, and we cannot define a "one size fits all" snack. Certainly anything can be a snack--or a meal--to somebody, but again it is important to consider variation in size. We need to distinguish this wrap from other, larger wraps. We must also take into account McDonald's intentions for this wrap. They intend it to be a snack; you are free to do with it as you please, but you are aware of their intentions. Now, it is understandable that Z's wife might not realize that these products are snack-sized. After all, weighing in at a petite 43 pounds, she might consider one of these wraps a full meal. But think of 290-pound (all muscle) ZMurder or my own 600-pound father, likely the more frequent McDonald's customers. This is hardly a meal to them. The libertarians among us, I hope, will be pleased that we are letting the market define a "snack."

But wait, the issue is still complicated. As I reflected on my recent delicious meal of a honey mustard (crispy) chicken snack wrap and french fries (compliments of my driving student), I thought I had conclusively solved the matter. The wrap is approximately the same size as the medium fries, I thought, and we'd hardly consider the fries a main course, so clearly the wrap is of snack size! The first counterpoint to that, which Z supposed his wife would propose, is that we wouldn't call them "snack fries" despite their clearly being snack material, and that likewise there is no need to call the wrap a "snack wrap." The second counterargument I envision is a response to the previous paragraph: yes, wraps now come in various sizes, but so do orders of french fries, and again, no one is calling any of them "snack fries." My answer to these points is that fries are a known food item, deeply embedded in our culture and our arteries. The people can accept different sizes of just "fries." They are not ready for different sizes of wraps. And please don't believe that I consider myself above them; I make no claim to be ready for multiple wrap sizes either.

Perhaps the future will allow us to drop "snack" from the name, but now is too soon.

Please share your thoughts on this matter and Food Theory in general. There are many issues to discuss and debate!

How now brown bureaucrat?

The following started as an argument at Nick's Restaurant on Thursday night (right after the StP show). It quickly turned ridiculous via email. Below are the first two emails. Further correspondence will be posted as comments.

Zach Johnson:
Hey hippies,

Here's the article I was drunkenly referencing earlier: Jacob Sullum's "Jumping the Loan Shark" (http://www.reason.com/news/show/117910.html). I'd be interested to hear your objections to this. My blog convo re this can be found here: http://www.journeytothemiddle.com/index.php?p=942
Please comment if you're interested. Holla.

John$on

Joel Przybylowski:
Nice article. I'm especially moved by convincing passages such as this:

"In a 2005 Cato Institute paper, Hillsdale College political scientist Gary Wolfram reviewed the relevant studies and concluded 'there is a good deal of evidence suggesting that federal financial assistance has the unintended consequence of increasing tuition for all students.'"

Surely someone writing for the Cato Institute (a popular BIG government defender) who has reviewed "the relevant" studies and cites "a good deal of evidence" has objectivity as his focus. I would be more inclined to take this seriously if the writer had the courage to undertake an honest review of the issue.

I'm curious as to how the money I borrow from the government and pay back with interest is "aid," as the blogger repeatedly insists. In addition to the interest I pay, will not my seven figure "average" income further strengthen the state coffers in taxes I pay (and thus allow us to wage more wars on behalf of [cough] small-government "conservatives")?

I tire easily listening to fake-ass small-government types who think they got where they are all on their own and the government they claim they want to "drown in a bathtub" isn't just something they want to manipulate to their own benefit. They talk a good game and then throw it all out the window when they take office (see: every "conservative" that has been in power in my lifetime). They gather all the racists together by convincing them their taxes are paying for welfare moms and then ship them off to die in Iraq so Cheney et al can grow fat. Brilliant. So called small government types don't hate government, they hate when the people at the bottom get something out of the deal. They view themselves as independent bootstrap hikers living some American dream fantasy only to manipulate the government to their liking when they grab power.

The author would rather I borrow money from "private" (FEDERALLY insured [subsidized risk aversion]) lenders, and uses the argument that they would keep the price down. It takes but own trip to an ATM to realize how sure you should be of private lender profit motives. Credit card rates, anyone..? Oh if only I could strap that rate on to a juicy student loan principal. Please, my guess is tuition would remain inflated (or rise) as these jackasses lick their chops at the site of the revenue my debt would create.

My suggestion would be to practice what you advocate. Cast aside the taxpayer funded TA position you hold (full benefits for a part-time job!?) and go take out a loan at Bank of America. It should only cost you about 60k (not, in fact, the price of a Hyundai), plus interest. Be a shining example of the beautiful free market system the hippies so foolishly misunderstand. The students would benefit by getting an actual professor to teach their classes and the people of WI would benefit by paying less in taxes. Last but not least, the folks at the Cato Institute would be happy as another scum-sucking ivory tower liberal is plucked from the big government teat. (You do know these people despise you, don't you?)

I agree, access to easy money only enables colleges to raise tuition. I disagree that the obvious answer is to privatize lending. That doesn't address the operating costs at a place like UW, it only switches who benefits from my misery.

United we stand! (rhetorically speaking, of course)
jap

Shoot the rock

Oh how the mighty have fallen (for the moment). It looked for a while that Z-Murder would run away with the NCAA bracket booty and L. Armstrong would fail to surpass lowly "Farts" in the standings. Oh what a difference a day can make...Z. Murder now finds his star dangerously low on the horizon with L. Armstrong suddenly in striking distance.
Perhaps there is but one word that can properly capture this recent turn of events--dang.

Hey 413, I ain't Brando!

But I am on record as thinking my brother might be (my younger, skinnier brother and the younger, skinnier Brando).

Nerd alert!

Hey, look at me, I've been to 998 counties in the United States!

413 Sci Hall is for sucks

I, speaking on behalf of this blog, will stomp a mudhole in 413 Science Hall. Count on it.

413 blog fuel

That's right, Doritos "ho cheese"!

David Berman

"I am waiting for the bus when I smell something burning. I turn to the man standing next to me and ask if he smells it too. In preparing to speak he lets a cloud of condensed breath out into the freezing air. For a half second my mind plays a trick on me. 'Oh no, he's burning,' I think."

Lost

Trying to watch Lost on the web, using a Mac? Good news, there's a new video plug-in to help. Me wonder where the webpage explaining how to download was written? Made me think that I was perhaps on a dummy site created by "hackers." Dang, English! Installastion..?

Chili Cheeze

Dear Friend,
As a public service I offer the following list of items consumed over lunch by yours truly:
One fried chicken sandwich
One bag Chili Cheese Fritos
One white chocolate macadamia nut cookie
One cup black coffee.

TA's (and others) are advised to steer clear of the area surrounding 412 Science Hall for the next 8 to 10 hours as this mass of junk food slithers through my digestive tract.
Yours,

Dear Colleague,

In preparation for warmer weather ahead I offer you the Official Jersey anthem as liberated from the NJ Guido website. Read it. Learn it. Live it...

NJ Anthem

This is the weekend that we show the rest of the world what we are made of.

It's time to show the New Jersey haters out there, how we party.

They don't know what it's like to be part of the energy of Temptations on a Saturday and Sunday night.

They don't know what it's like to be on the Surf Club beach on Saturday and Sunday with the world's best looking people.

They don't know what it's like to hear Denny Tsettos rip "Shiny Disco Balls" for an hour to the point where the crowd erupts in energy.

They don't know what it's like to party like we do.

We don't care about a big, beautiful, shore house.

We don't need an exotic club, full of wanna be rich boys and snotty women.

We don't want a city lounge, or a fancy dinner.

We don't want to dress up, we want to dress less. We want to show off the fact that New Jersey men and women are in the best shape.

It's time to put all of the petty bullshit behind us.

Turn off the damn t.v. Get off your ass, and get to the Jersey Shore. It's weekends like this that last forever.

There are no excuses. Party like a rockstar.

Norseman pillages TA Alley

Science Hall's fourth floor was recently terrorized by what one denizen described as "a Viking warrior the size of two or three ordinary men." The Norseman pillaged most of the offices in the area known as TA Alley, emptying them of all their candy and other comestibles. Witnesses reported that he rode into the corridor on a shimmering white unicorn, which he leapt off in a backflip before charging at frightened TAs with a large battle axe. The same Viking is suspected of raiding a Geography Club meeting two weeks ago and abducting two undergrads thence, a charge supported by sightings of a slice of pizza stuck to his sleeve in the fourth floor raid.

A thick trail of candy wrappers and cookie crumbs leads to room 401, where suspected Viking Jamon Van Den Hoek works, but so far investigators have been unable to penetrate the barrier of inaccessible music to question him.

412sciencehall.blogspot.com featured on 413sciencehall.blogspot.com

The celebrated Paul Reyerson (yes folks, that Paul Reyerson) has given 412 Science Hall a shout-out on his popular blog. Congratulations, 412, we finally made it!

http://413sciencehall.blogspot.com

Fresh bottle of Old Grand-dad

I've got a fresh bottle of Old Grand-dad 100 proof in my desk. Stop by for a bracer.

Reyerson won't shut up!

"Phytolith" this, "flood" that...

Put a sock in it!

Test tickle

Doos this mug work?